What is my new start beginning to look like…

I am starting a new job on Monday. It will not be easy. I expect nothing to be easy. The job is work from home.

On the side, I am beginning to explore copywriting. How this new beginning in copywriting will look like I am not sure of yet.

I may follow some recommendations by Tina Lorenz. I have also been watching videos by Alex Cattoni as well to build upon what selling myself might look like. I am hoping that my start will bring me the challenge I am needing.

Since this is going to involve a lot of writing please feel free to criticize and comment.

My old boss mentioned that I must be experiencing stress from moving and leaving for a new job. Yes, I unnecessarily stressed myself when I moved, but I was also stressed by the sameness of my old job. From outside appearances it seemed low stress but there were many hidden stressors because I felt uncreative, and ineffectual. I am and still am underpaid. My pay did not reflect that I was a senior staff. It did not reflect my productivity. I felt treated indifferently and sometimes very disrespectfully for questioning a practice, or for calling out something, even when logic would call on the average person to mention something. Despite being a good worker I wasn’t treated like one in so many ways. I felt like a robot with a lot of skill and creativity that just fell on the wayside, that my employer didn’t have the need for.

Where I lived was so unaffordable that my pay kept me living on the brink of homelessness. I was exhausted, and unsure of what next steps to take because even a significant pay raise wouldn’t necessarily ensure better living conditions.

In the end everything I did was to keep me somewhat housed, and disengaged from myself, to avoid big bad scary emotions such as fear. I was lost on how to engage in a way at work that actually brought about happiness. I so desperately needed this to change.

In 2018 I had an emotional shake-up. Something from my past came up and it sent me on a vision quest. I had a strange dream about someone from my past. It was as if the dream was asking me to wake up and become aware of my relationship, and work-life balance. I was living in an anesthetized trap of an unloving and controlling relationship and a fearful mindset. I was afraid of myself, going mad, and losing everything.

I have started challenging myself. Ending certain relationships by asking myself what am I really gaining from this? What am I really gaining from employment that doesn’t make me feel I can even have my basic needs met?

It’s funny that during a Pandemic where fears are running wild, that I am sort of getting it that things are not so scary, and that now is the best time to make much needed change. In the end, a house is just a possession, and these things we own kind of mean nothing. So I am wiping the slate clean and am deciding on happiness, even if it looks like a chaotic mess to someone else.