Another day another hat

This is a knit hat made with long 5.5mm needle

Basic rib knit. cast on 74 stitches. Knit 5 rows then knit one row, purl the next row, and knit the next two rows until your piece reaches 5 1/2 inches.

I followed the ribbed pattern while decreasing. It went something like this K1(k7, K2tog) K1- 66 stitches. Basically I just knitted 1 stitch, knitted 7 stitches, knitted 2 stitches together, knitted 1 stitch until 18 stitches were left on my needle. I didn’t follow the directions entirely as stated on the package.

Once I got to that many stitches I knitted 1 stitches, then 2 stitches together until 10 stitches were left on my needle (I think). I cast off the stitches, and sewed the seam together.

It came out hat-like so I am not complaining.

New Job While Waiting in Limbo

I started my new job and it is working out well, and I am working from home until this COVID 19 crisis is under control.

A lot has been happening aside from landing in a new community; I have been dealing with challenges of navigating friendships and relationships- personal, online and otherwise.

No one has perfect relationships; I think typical families have at least one pink elephant that attends all family gatherings. No one wants to point the finger of blame where it should lie, and everyone wants to dump it on the scapegoat rather than onto something or someone else who is the actual guilty party.

No one wants to talk about uncle Tom’s raging alcoholism or his wife’s adultery. Everyone wants a smiling and happy family, but looks are often deceiving.

Right now I am dealing with a neighbour who has loud, one-sided sounding conversations with whoever on her phone, outside my window. She’s loud and it constantly involves her complaining about others. Sometimes I wonder if someone is even on the other line with her, or if it’s just a stream of conscious complaint, where she spews profanity with sentences that almost sound intelligent. I imagine this person on the other line gets up often while she talks, answering “hmmm” and “yes” to give the impression they’re listening.

I am also wondering if she is a paranoid schizophrenic and no one is on the line, except her audio hallucinations. It’s strange and I am unsure if she entangles me in a delusion now and then. But the conversation runs with deep complexities about layered relationships with a friend who only exists in her head.

I am wondering how the relationship in her head started, and how it kept her there, and took her down a tangled path.

I get stuck in the relationships outside my head, but I imagine I get stuck with the memory of them, moreso once they’re gone. I get stuck on the internal process, and the memory of the past resonates loudly with now. I am left piecing everything together, every bit by bit, still trying to dig up a solution; and sometimes I get to volatile stages, and then at other stages, life is less in flux and things are quiet.

And this lady’s brain is running a process that demands attention more loudly than the world outside her. Do their demands tire her, or do they bolster her, or both? The people outside of her feel like a façade, while the inner ones seem most real. She interacts with the inner world to give and take messages from the façade while her inner self instructs her on how to act.

This can all seem like it’s a brain working like it’s supposed to, with a clear separate stable self, with clear concepts of the outside world.

In other minds the self shatters, either from a severely volatile outside world, or from itself.

This lady’s mind started inventing people to talk to. Does she know they’re not real? How do Doctors discern a dissociative fugue from a schizophrenic break from reality? Or some other disease? Is it time and observation?

Do they take shape and form? Or do they invent another world? Are they stuck permanently in waking dreams, while trying to convince themselves of what’s real and what isn’t, and that there is a another door they can really walk through?

Or is this just everyday life? I get sleep paralysis and I wake up thinking I see people in my room, and I know to let my eyes and brain adjust before I continue. Is her world just really her carrying on from a dream in her head, that never quite shuts off?

Is it better to live amongst the living, or amongst the ghosts of comfort in our head? It seems whatever side of the spectrum we fall on it’s the latter, especially since this pandemic started.

Ode to the self entitled drivers…

You’re a shitty driver no matter what you think.

Around 6:15pm I was nearly mowed down at an intersection by a driver who completely ignored the stop sign, and buzzed by me in a very aggressive and deliberate manner.

She saw me, and that’s why she kept driving. She was either that deliberate, or daft. She probably knew there was a stop sign, and thought what the hell, this pedestrian is close enough to maintain eye contact with me so I’ll just keep driving.

To the pedestrian this is really aggressive behavior from the driver. They didn’t even stop at the big hexagonal red thingy that says “stop.”

They just kept driving with this big FU attitude and thought it was fair because she glared you down and tried to own your carless ass in the crosswalk.

I gave a rap to the back of the hood of her car as she drove past. No damage done. She didn’t stop. She was well aware she blew through the stop sign and thought she was being bad ass. Was probably surprised I’d bother to knock.

But then she followed me home and yelled at me for touching her car. Ok Karen, are you fishing for a fight? You drive like a fucking moron. Be thankful I wasn’t a large cranked out dude who didn’t freak out on your car and you.

Adventures on The Spiritual Guru

Since this Covid 19 thing I haven’t been getting out as much as I’d like. So I have been trying

It’s not as great as I’d hoped would be. While being adventurous I decided to talk to a life “guru” of sorts.

I’m not gonna lie I think some “spiritualists” are kind of just full of shit. So I thought it would at least be interesting, if not amusing.

The whole meeting went like this.

Guru: “I’ve been able self heal from serious illness.”

Me: “That’s very interesting. What did you heal yourself from?”

Guru: “I had COVID 19.”

Me: “oh my God. Were you in the hospital?”

Guru: “No but one day I went shopping and got very sick in the parking lot.”

Me: “Wait a minute you went shopping while you had Covid 19? Did you get tested?”

Guru: “No I didn’t get tested but I was very sick. I willed myself to walk even though others tried to help.”

Me: “You suspected you had Covid 19, so you went shopping but then decided because of your healing power nothing matters, and you’ll heal because of… your powers.”

Guru: “yes I just healed myself.”

I wish I could buy into my bullshit that well.

A funny thing happened at work…

I was being taught about all the special offers company X has available at my new job yesterday.

Since I am doing everything from home we are being trained via Google chat.  To help me not miss anything I turned on the closed captions to catch the conversation.

Google chat did not disappoint.  Instead of properly spelling company X’s name it just kept referring to the offers in the captions as “conjugal offers.”

In case you were wondering what conjugal actually means it’s when you visit your spouse/partner in jail and you request intimacy during the visit in a private cell.

I couldn’t stop laughing at the closed captions every time the offer was mentioned.

Strange Wanderings: what I saw today

I was feeling pretty cooped up after sitting at my job, so I went for a run.

On the way I ran by a woman in the park who was wearing black lingerie, and had looked like she lost her pants. She didn’t seem to mind and was busy trying on a pair of knee high knitted white socks.

A man who was either aroused or confused, or both, stopped to watch or help, or whatever…

Another 200m later I ran into a furry who was changing into his fox fursona in a parking lot. I hadn’t even run a km yet.

I made it another 4km decided to stop. I luckily ran into a good friend whose number I had lost so we hung out for the night.

It was actually a pretty interesting day. My friend had also witnessed the same woman wandering around in black lingerie as high as a kite.

finding my writing voice…

I tried writing a post the other day but then realized that people might be watching who might not be as in tune with what I am saying, or might think it’s a bit too raw for the audience I might eventually be writing for.

I wrote about exes and men not behaving well and just let the raw side of me come out. This edginess is not really necessary for writing about my visit to the local bakery, but it can be when you want to lay down the law for a man who is pursuing you a bit too aggressively, and disrespectfully.

In a way I honour that bit of edginess because really it is the language of survival. Without it I’d be in a world of hurt.

I had approached the local area BIA and offered to write about, or advertise my experiences with the local restaurants; however COVID is on the rise again.

Some people think it’s a minor illness; other’s like myself know the risk of becoming extremely ill, and dying. It’s no joke to me. So I respect the rules and just try to be aware of my surroundings.

Moving away from Toronto during a pandemic has been a sort of surreal trip. Things are not quite open, and some coffee shops and restaurants will not let you go inside. The occasional trip to a patio is as far as I will go.

I like to visit these places but they may batten the hatches yet again. In the meantime, writing is sort of helping me make sense of things. It is kind of like navigating an alien landscape because in the past I would just go somewhere, and meet people but my choices are limited and sometimes- especially with someone who is behaving disrespectfully- my patience gets worn thin.

I move to a knew place and I no longer learn about the place through seeing the faces of people, and the workers in the shops. Recognizing them is hard when you’re usually wearing a mask.

Staying in touch with family, even the odd meetup where I can socially distance on a walk is good.

So writing is helpful when times are uncertain.

The Fallacy Of Easy Conclusion

Human nature is dismissive. Everyone thinks they have the next person figured out. Nothing is ever as it seems. Sometimes it leads to a better outcome than you could have dreamed. What looks bad today, will definitely get worse tomorrow. Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know. This […]

The Fallacy Of Easy Conclusion

What is my new start beginning to look like…

I am starting a new job on Monday. It will not be easy. I expect nothing to be easy. The job is work from home.

On the side, I am beginning to explore copywriting. How this new beginning in copywriting will look like I am not sure of yet.

I may follow some recommendations by Tina Lorenz. I have also been watching videos by Alex Cattoni as well to build upon what selling myself might look like. I am hoping that my start will bring me the challenge I am needing.

Since this is going to involve a lot of writing please feel free to criticize and comment.

My old boss mentioned that I must be experiencing stress from moving and leaving for a new job. Yes, I unnecessarily stressed myself when I moved, but I was also stressed by the sameness of my old job. From outside appearances it seemed low stress but there were many hidden stressors because I felt uncreative, and ineffectual. I am and still am underpaid. My pay did not reflect that I was a senior staff. It did not reflect my productivity. I felt treated indifferently and sometimes very disrespectfully for questioning a practice, or for calling out something, even when logic would call on the average person to mention something. Despite being a good worker I wasn’t treated like one in so many ways. I felt like a robot with a lot of skill and creativity that just fell on the wayside, that my employer didn’t have the need for.

Where I lived was so unaffordable that my pay kept me living on the brink of homelessness. I was exhausted, and unsure of what next steps to take because even a significant pay raise wouldn’t necessarily ensure better living conditions.

In the end everything I did was to keep me somewhat housed, and disengaged from myself, to avoid big bad scary emotions such as fear. I was lost on how to engage in a way at work that actually brought about happiness. I so desperately needed this to change.

In 2018 I had an emotional shake-up. Something from my past came up and it sent me on a vision quest. I had a strange dream about someone from my past. It was as if the dream was asking me to wake up and become aware of my relationship, and work-life balance. I was living in an anesthetized trap of an unloving and controlling relationship and a fearful mindset. I was afraid of myself, going mad, and losing everything.

I have started challenging myself. Ending certain relationships by asking myself what am I really gaining from this? What am I really gaining from employment that doesn’t make me feel I can even have my basic needs met?

It’s funny that during a Pandemic where fears are running wild, that I am sort of getting it that things are not so scary, and that now is the best time to make much needed change. In the end, a house is just a possession, and these things we own kind of mean nothing. So I am wiping the slate clean and am deciding on happiness, even if it looks like a chaotic mess to someone else.